


if this world won't last

by worry



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode: s01e08 Bad Blood, Gen, M/M, show canon only obviously, the slash is vague but it's there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-03 22:17:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6628798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon <em>thanked </em>him, when Raphael saved his life. Said: "I don't know how to thank you." He said that Simon's life was worthless but that was to scare him away. God, he thinks, Simon was worth so much. So, so much. He was worth everything. He had a <em>life, </em>you see, one that should have ended with Simon surrounded with those that he loves in his old age, one that shouldn't have ended with teeth and blood and loneliness. He had a chance, and that chance was ripped away from him by Camille. He warned Simon. He warned Simon. He warned Simon. This is <em>his </em>fault.</p><p>(Or: someone commented on my tumblr post with: "and then clary and jace go on a road trip to the lewises and then to luke’s while alec is investigating and isabelle is autopsing so literally it’s just simon and raphael in this sunny ass room for the rest of the day", and I had to write a fic.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	if this world won't last

God, he thinks, there's just somuch  _blood._

 

He knew that something was very, very,  _very_ wrong when he approached the Hotel, felt it like a little part of him had died again. That's a funny feeling — dying, again. He hasn't been able to recall the feeling of it for decades, but seeing  _Simon_ (not just a  _mundane,_ something  _more,_ you see) on the floor made him remember it all, like a flash: the teeth, the blood (oh, God, the  _blood_ ), the loneliness. It's lonely, when you die. Nobody ever talks about that. No one ever warns you about loneliness. You're expected to die and come back and deal with the consequences. No one helps you.

 

 

That's going to change.

 

 

He cleans the blood off of him with careful hands. Oh. He didn't know he could be this careful, this kind. He holds Simon's body and his hands shake as he presses the wet cloth into the wound. God, he thinks, there's just so much  _blood._ He's not tender, you see. Not kind. There are a lot of things that he isn't: soft, tender, kind, a monster. He's not a monster. He's not soft. God, he thinks, there's just so much  _blood._ God, he thinks, God must have made a mistake.

 

This — this wasn't supposed to happen. This was never supposed to happen. He still believes and his God isn't cruel, but he doesn't know how something so innocent as Simon could end up with such a cruel fate. He doesn't deserve this. Simon is Good. Simon  _thanked_ him, when Raphael saved his life. Said: "I don't know how to thank you." He said that Simon's life was worthless but that was to scare him away. God, he thinks, Simon was worth so much. So, so much. He was worth everything. He had a  _life,_ you see, one that should have ended with Simon surrounded with those that he loves in his old age, one that shouldn't have ended with teeth and blood and loneliness. He had a chance, and that chance was ripped away from him by Camille. He warned Simon. He warned Simon. He warned Simon. This is  _his_ fault.

 

He — he — he should have tried harder to keep Simon away. He should have done something more. This — this — this — this isn't okay. This is  _his_ fault. Oh, now he's crying. How disgusting. How fucking  _disgusting._

 

When Simon is completely clean (not clean in the  _pure_ way because he will never be pure or holy now and —), he stuffs the bloody rag in this pocket and picks Simon  _up._

* * *

 

His arms are tired, and he is tired — Simon is  _heavy,_ despite the fact that he doesn't look it, and Raphael is just so tired. He's sick, like a child. All of a sudden he's young again and the word is scary and big and he's tired. All of a sudden he's in the past and it's only been a few minutes since he emerged and he's  _hungry,_ but most of all: he's tired. God, he thinks,  _I'm tired._

 

Will he ever get to  _rest?_

 

Shadowhunter girl — Clary Fray — screams when she sees Simon's body. Simon, she screams,  _Simon._ Simon, Simon, Simon. This is what he wanted to scream, he thinks. Maybe he did. Maybe he screamed at himself for letting this happen. It doesn't — it just doesn't matter now. That's all a blur. He thinks that there was blood, and kindness. Maybe, probably. Somewhere in that blur, there was Simon. There was Simon, and then there wasn't. That's all that matters. 

 

Simon could come back, he knows this. Simon could return. 

 

But. He doesn't _want_ Simon back. If Simon comes back, then it will be all wrong. Simon wouldn't be able to handle it.

 

Still. He knows that Shadowhu —  _Clary_ will bring him back. She loves him. She loves him.

 

She doesn't  _understand,_ he thinks, does she.

 

* * *

 

 Jace helps him lay Simon's body (body!) down, puts something underneath his head like he will have something to return to. He's not kind, he isn't. He  _isn't._ But: he lays Simon down slowly, like he's afraid that he could rip Simon apart if he's too rough, too careless. Like he could rip Simon apart if he makes one wrong step, one rough touch, says one unkind word. He's a vampire but he was raised a good Catholic, he can do this, he can pray that Clary lets him die painlessly and not bring him into this world of suffering and hunger. He was raised a good Catholic, he is equipped to deal with this. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. A —

 

Then they  _leave._ They say that they are going to visit Simon's family. Stay here, they say. Silly. Silly. He wouldn't leave Simon if he had a choice. He could leave. He could walk away, he could go back to the Hotel and sit down and think:  _again, why, why,_ but he feels responsible for this — he  _is_ responsible for this. He has to make things right, as right as they can possibly be. Simon is dead and Clary will bring him back because she's predictable and doesn't know that loving and caring are weaknesses and bad ideas, and Simon will come back hating himself. He will come back _hungry._ He will hurt. God, he thinks, he will  _hurt._  It will hurt. He will come back and think:  _I'm a monster._

 

It's Clary's choice. He doesn't even know Simon, he only knows that he should have been something  _better._ He knows that he should have tried harder, amen, amen, amen. God, forgive him. God, let the transition be easy. God, be everything that he couldn't. Amen. Amen. Amen.

 

They leave and he walks up to Simon's body. He doesn't know what he's doing. He takes Simon's hand and kneels and what is he  _doing?_ He bows his head; his body moves on its own, without instruction. Instinct, almost. Inside he is screaming:  _no, no, no._ Inside he is a mess of guilt and righteousness and prayer and disgust. 

 

"I'm so sorry," he says, and proceeds to recite a prayer in his mother tongue. Something like:  _be everything that I couldn't be, amen._  

 

"When you emerge," he says, because he knows what will happen, he  _knows,_ "you will blame me. I understand. Know this: I did everything that I could."

 

He attempts a laugh. "You just wouldn't  _listen,_ " he growls, and clenches his teeth, grips Simon's hand a little bit tighter, "you wouldn't listen to me, and look at where that got you."

 

He tries to say  _I hate you_ silently, but that isn't true. It isn't true. It's more like: Raphael hates what Simon did. What Simon  _is._

 

He doesn't hate _Simon_.

 

He doesn't think it possible.

 

* * *

 

 

When Simon does emerge, he runs. 

 

He calls Raphael a monster, and for a moment, Raphael thinks that he's  _right._

 

(He never, ever thought that he was a monster, even after he turned and became a vampire.

 

It's different, now.

 

Amen.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [i love dying and being dead](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yarteviG3QM:)


End file.
